Total Filmy ;)

Watching Friends with Benefits with roomies made me think. Long shot I know for a brain-dead movie to stimulate your grey cells. But again… I just started to wonder . How many of these have I watched. Everytime I call them names , but I watch them, the Katherine Heigl-Ashton Kutcher genre of movies. And if they were so bad why do they put money in them.

I do not know why others do, but I was interested in knowing why I do. I don’t believe in fairytales though they are nice to listen to once in a while. I don’t like soft toys . I haven’t dated anyone ever. I don’t believe in the concept of I-cant-live-without-you-ever. Then why do I watch them?

Maybe because I wish something miraculous happened and I met someone special. Maybe I hope that the one is right there and I am just not looking. Maybe I want to think it is not as complicated. Maybe it wouldn’t be as tough to find the one as I think. Maybe these movies which end in Happily-ever-after give me a hope that it will be happy after all.

Just Maybe…

Why dont I quit?

   At times, life is really tough on us. I still remember how elated I was when I got my Wipro joining letter on 10th Jan 2010. I was on 4 calls at a time. After waiting for 6 months, breaking my head over MBA books , teaching students in college, totaling the final marks of the accessed papers. It was as if I couldn't be happier. Relocating , leaving 22 years of my life behind did not matter at all. I was ecstatic.

   Next day I woke up as usual, got ready for college. Was dying to tell Pooja and Priti. I reached Mahim station and as I started walking towards college , I frowned at the dirty footpath. Looked at the good ole Raheja Hospital and the bus-stop to T junction. As I entered the college gate, the familiar smell of fish mongers in close vicinity. The small houses and shops in the baithi chawl at a stone's throw. The ice cream shop which was our regular hangout . As I approached the stairs , the smell of chicken fried rice and chinese bhel filled my breath. 

   I started ascending the stairs. My breath seemed shorter than the usual. There was a lump in my throat. I was to leave all this behind me. All that I knew. My first job. All those happy 4 months. I reached the office panting and puffing. Knocked the door open , missed the small railing at the entrance and almost fell into the room. There they were sitting , giggling at me with a she-has-pulled-it-off-once-again look. I did not look back at them with a frown , not with my tongue hanging out to tease them. My eyes were full and they immediately knew something was wrong. Something about which I was so happy yesterday, I wished it would have never happened. 

   Today when someone asks me when are you quitting :) [people really must hate me being around :P] I look back at that day. Fateful , unfateful I do not know. But that I feel that lump yet again. I remember the friendly tears and goodbyes. The other unwelcoming and jealous eyes, as if they were going to strip me naked and attack me with the buckled Nazi belts. Pooja's and Priti's eyes , saying please don't leave, as they say goodbye.

   I don't know if I am ready to go through all this yet again or maybe as yet.....

Fix me!

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

Sarika called chirping gleefully, "Pune Pune Pune". I had prayed hard that she gets Bangalore for job location. But it was not meant to be. I started retrospecting. The time when I said bye to all of them to come to Bangalore. Then again after going to Pune, fighting hard to come back. It was all I wanted, being in Bangalore. Doing my post graduation. I never thought of what I needed then. It was when Sarika joined in Mysore I realised what I did need. Someone I loved dearly to be around. Someone to take care of . Someone who could take care of me.

When the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? 

As Chris Martin hummed softly in my ears, I started believing I had lost something I will never be able replace. It will never be the same going back. All I had were memories of when we were together. Ofcourse it couldn't be worse.

High up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
If you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 
Tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears come streaming down your face
And I
Tears come streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears come streaming down your face
And I

I could feel my breathing loose the usual rhythm. Lungs trying to pull in two breaths at a time. Face mildly shaking in response. Eyes so full of tears that I had to spill them. I sobbed softly to myself.

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you


I hope someone really does!


Buhbyee lil sis!!!