Always Good ... Never Good enough

Everyday is like an rendezvous with life. More like an interview.

Its 8. I lazily rub my hair off my eyes as I hear the door locks click shut. I hardly remember ever being on time for the interview. Only my roomies rushing out of the house can possibly wake me up. I lazily folded my sheets with the brush sticking in my mouth. Eyes hardly open. Brain numb though some self-righteous part still praying it not the day when I have to wash the crazy curly locks which I wear on head everyday. Being a boy with a soldier cut would have been so awesome.

In the semi-zonked state , I get done with all the getting ready part. Mind you it is like time bound sequence which takes a total of an hour to push me out the door... And then as I walk to the bus stop , I tell myself how I could be better this time around. Hoping the night long effort is going to turn its magic on. All that I hide in those hideous wrinkles of the cerebrum will help me shine on. And suddenly the biker right behind me honks the horn into my ears, looks at me as if I striped him off the FOOTPATH for racing past the other frustrated car-horn honkers. I give him I-swear-to-God-I-will-kill-you. He gets it and slips by.

I am too preoccupied by how am I going to face this new day. New questions. New faces throwing it at me , new voices going round in my head. How will I do today? Will things go well? If not how bad? Will it be a reject again? Will all the practice over the toilet seat, in the balcony, in the middle of the night when all were fast asleep really work? Or will I make myself look like a rotund big mouth who does not make sense ever?

As I take my seat in the bus, my mind is abuzz with thoughts. I listen to some hymns and aartis from my phone to just stay calm enough to reach my destination. On my way downtown , I am busy reading off my cellphone what I think might just prepare me better for the day. A hope I never give up. Maybe I wont be as bad today! Maybe I wont see a disapproving smirk on my listener's face today. Maybe today they will just give me an appreciating nod.

As I barge into the office , I have the headphones on full volume plugged in my ears so that I could possibly be sound-proofed from all the techies peeping over the hedge of their cubes , giving me you-aint-sort-of-our-types look. But I try best to keep to myself. Not that I do not like mingling with people, but somehow I fear people dont like me much around here . Sometimes I simply miss having someone like Pooja, Monika or Dipti around. But somehow I have too many thoughts on my mind to just sit and retrospect.

The rendezvous is on and so is on, the heat on me. I pop some gum and try to face it . And he turns back and asks, "are you nervous?" The pen in my hand fumbles. The gum seems to have sucked in all the juices in my mouth and my throat parched. I feel the blood leaving my hands and feet and rushing to my face, making them weak enough to shake slightly. Pulling my self together, I mentally go through the whole exercise I had done for this very moment and with some confidence I muster, I put the first ball in the hoop.

And that was it. I could feel my feet suddenly. My fingers had jumped to life. I was reborn with some sort of un-understandable confidence for which I was longing all this while. And suddenly the rendezvous had gone from being a slow, part-broken down car drive to a lift by Schumi in the German Grand prix. Rejuvenated and unhindered , I proceeded no the path which said never back down. I had played my part well. He said an occasional good once a while. Now was the time to judge for them . Time to judge me.

My heart was pumping fast. The rendezvous had lasted long but I had done much better. Things finally had started to look up. I was far more positive than ever before. Will this be it? Anticipation ! Drama ! Climax ! Action!

" Sneha! "

" Yes "

" Sorry but maybe you were not good enough "

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